Detroit Lions Name Matt Patricia Their Latest Temporary Head Coach

The Detroit Lions introduced their latest temporary head coach, Matt Patricia, during a press conference on Wednesday afternoon in team headquarters in Allen Park, Michigan. Patricia, the former defensive coordinator for the Super Bowl-losing New England Patriots, is expected to last no more than three years in the position, if that long, based on the beleaguered NFL franchise’s recent experience with coaches.

A smiling Patricia quipped, “I’m really going to try and enjoy the next three years before the team quits on me and Ford family fires my ass.”  Executives with the Lions organization boasted that the team has already set aside several million dollars for Patricia’s buyout, scheduled for late 2020 or early 2021. Members of the Ford family, who own the team, stood before reporters once again, for the what seems like the 10th time in the past fire years to take a picture with a man they will soon grow to hate. Although it could not be confirmed that family members had been drinking before the announcement, could you blame them if they had?

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Meanwhile, Detroit city officials reassured neighbors of the Ford Cemetery that the humming sound they have been hearing for several days was just the late family patriarch and industrialist, Henry Ford, spinning in his grave. Based on previous coaching changes, they expect him to settle down before training camp opens.

Detroit players meanwhile, seemed optimistic that they could put up with Patricia for the next 36 months or so. One veteran player who refused to be identified (because some of his family still does not know he plays for the Lions and he wants to keep it that way) seemed optimistic, “As Lions players, we already have a plan in place: first we talk down the old coach, talk up how great this new guy uh, whatshisname, is and then try to learn his system.  First season, we follow the plan to make him look good, even get him a surprising contract extension because we looked marginally better than last season. Second season, when expectations are high, we start off fast and then take the last 8 games, just missing the playoffs. We let ownership blame it on injuries and pump up fan expectations for season three, when we really lay an egg. You’d think the fans would catch on, but so far they haven’t.”

To save money, the team plans to just put duct tape over outgoing coach Jim Caldwell’s name around the team’s facility and at Ford Field where Lions play, and use a marker to write in Patricia’s name with the promise that it’s only temporary . . . just like Patricia.