Ever heard of Humbolt State University? Neither had we, until this report came out from Soccer America about them cancelling the entire 2012 season after an alleged hazing incident involving some heavy drinking came to light.
Division II Humboldt State suspended its men’s program for the 2012 as a result of a hazing ritual at an off-campus party where new players were ordered to perform humiliating acts and engage in heavy drinking.
“Following careful investigation including interviews with team members, the university has concluded that an incident of hazing did occur, and that it placed the lives of two students in real jeopardy,” Humboldt State president Rollin Richmond said in a letter to the campus. The announcement followed an investigation into the Aug. 4 incident of hazing and underage drinking at the party attended by more than 20 players from the Northern California school.
Seem extreme? Sometimes this is the only solution if you really want to get the point across that sports hazing will not be tolerated.
We bet you’ve been thinking about this for a long time, like we have! What’s the best–and possibly only–way to make soccer more fun and interesting? Special effects, of course! Lots and lots of special effects.
Here’s a sample of what the future of soccer could look like . . . if only the fans had the courage to demand it.
Do you really need to say more than that? The Poles are obviously not messing around, as evidenced by an editorial in the English-language Krakow Post newspaper aimed at visiting fans from the UK, that asserted that local law enforcement agencies were MORE than ready to tackle any hooligan threat at England’s southern Poland base camp during the Euro 2012 soccer championships.
“The Polish police are going to come down on troublemakers like a bag full of anvils and you don’t want to be there when it happens. Krakow has a long history of hooligan violence — the local police have seen it all before and they will ruin your day if you try it on.
Poland’s anti-hooligan squads are armed with: Shotguns firing baton rounds that probably won’t kill you as long as you’re 30m away, a truck-mounted water cannon affectionately known as ‘the typhoon’, a high-tech sonic cannon that can make you wet yourself on its lowest setting, dogs trained to bite you directly in the testicles.”
That does raise some interesting questions: are these dogs trained to bite one’s testicles, or are they breed to do so? Either way, is there any way to be certain they won’t do it once they’re “retired” from the hooligan squad, especially after they’ve acquired a taste of scrotum meat?
And are we looking at an interesting addition to the Westminster Dog Show in 20 years? Will we hear the booming voice of the ring announcer say, “The Polish Testicle Biting Terrier was originally breed to attack the man-parts of visiting soccer hooligans. They make wonderful family pets, except for the occasional attack on the owner’s balls. This is Polish Testicle Biting Terrier Number 16, “Grandpa’s Nasty Surprise.”
Not unless you want to get arrested and spend five years in jail for “offending public morality.” Oh, and you work for a news organization in a country ruled by strict Islamic law.
The photo, of Real Madrid soccer star Sami Khedira and his mostly naked hot blond model girlfriend (how many times do you get to use that phrase in a sentence?), Lena Gercke, on the cover of GQ magazine is tame by western standards, but in the country of Tunisia, where Khedira’s father is from, it’s grounds for an ass-kicking. As a result, three journalists from Tunisian newspaper Attounissia have been arrested for republishing the images. International news organizations are demanding their release, an end to censorship and more naked pictures of Gercke. But mostly the pictures.