Don’t get me wrong: I love mustard. I love it on hot dogs, hamburgers . . . you name it. Along with it’s BFF ketchup, mustard is part of summer foods dynamic duo. What I can’t stand is that little bit of watery liquid with yellow in it that comes out when you first turn over the bottle and squeeze it. Guys, you know what I mean. That “mustard juice”, as I like to call it, has ruined more buns than I can count.

Seems to me that all summer long I’m always the first one to use the mustard bottle (with, of course, a line full of people after me waiting to use it) and invariably I get mustard juice instead of mustard. Time after time, mustard juice before mustard. And trust me, the mustard juice ain’t nearly as good as the mustard. It even comes out of the little condiment packages sometimes. How does that happen? It never happens with ketchup, but always to mustard. Sometimes I’m able to squirt the juice on the ground or on some discarded napkin nearby, but usually there’s that awkward pause where there’s no place else it can go. Maybe I’m not the first one with the mustard this time and then . . . DAMN!

So, here’s the deal: I don’t care who invents it first, French’s, the Grey Poupon people, or the guys at Joe’s Mustard Shack in Grand Rapids. Whoever invents a mustard dispenser that permanently eliminates the mustard juice will have my loyalty for life. I’ll buy it by the case and give it all my friends. I’ll endorse it here on the site every day if I have to.

But we must put an end to mustard juice once and for all! Are you with me?