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There are two things that matter in this world: sports and sex. The almighty S’s. Everything else just doesn’t compare. They both employ powerful plays, strategy, excitement, cheers and . . . sweaty people. At times, they could almost be one in the same. Ok, well maybe not, but you could certainly enjoy both of them at the same time.

Due to their level of importance, I thought it would be fun to push the two together a little bit more, to see what one could ultimately correlate to–if one was the other, what would it be? So for discussion purposes, let’s explore sports as sex toys/actions and see where we end up.

Hockey: “The Fastest Game on Earth” is also a brutal one that results in exciting fights and face checking. All of which end in some pretty gnarly injuries. In light of the intensity and pain involved with hockey, I would consider hockey a bondage sex toy, such as rope, handcuffs or an restraint system.  We just want a little intensity, a little roughness with our fun that’s all.

Baseball: Let’s be honest, “America’s Favorite Pastime,” can be a little boring. Yeah, it’s fun for the first little bit, but then it just drags on with little action. A catch and a slide here. Womp womp. Take it or leave it, right? That’s why baseball would be the equivalent of watching an R-rated move on one of the broadcast networks. It’s exciting for a second because you think you’re going to get something more and then you don’t.

Soccer: “The Beautiful Game” is one of the most globally played and celebrated sports, thus why it’s beautiful, right? Soccer’s slow pace can also can be long and boring, with infrequent scoring, if you know what I mean. Which is why the announcers should as if they’re reaching (or faking) orgasm: GOOOOOOOOOOAAAL!  This is where you need something creative, and maybe a little foreign and exotic that maybe your partner hasn’t seen before?

Football: Insert a nickname here because I don’t have one beyond gridiron, but that’s not exciting so we won’t dwell on it. Football, though, it’s expensive. Between coach and player salaries as well as ticket and advertising prices, football is one of the most expensive sports. Therefore, football would be one of those luxury sex toys that places like Adam and Eve sell. You know the deal like a $350 pillow that you have sex on or a $150 vibrator that promises to not only make you happy, but and go to interviews for you. You gotta invest in a good toy, yo. Pays off.

Softball: Much like baseball, but with bigger balls and smaller fields, softball comes in as the girl dominated sport in this selection. I’m not here to generalize and I’m certainly not hating (peace and love for everyone), but all that girl on girl action leads me to believe that if softball were a sex toy, it would be something to please any woman, maybe several women at once.

What about golf? Volleyball? Track? Curling? What could they be?

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