Any time your story starts with “underage members of the fraternity had been drinking” you know it’s going to be good. And usually, pilule these types of things happen at frat parties and there’s enough “old school” money to shut everyone up. But, healing apparently, not this time.
No, this time, Louis Helmburg III, a former catcher on the Marshall University baseball team has decided to sue his brothers at Alpha Tau Omega fraternity (isn’t that the one that Bluto and D-Day pledged?) after “a fellow fraternity member allegedly shot a bottle rocket out of his anus.” You can’t make this stuff folks.
In a bold legal strategy, Helmburg’s lawyers laid out their case rather succinctly in their written lawsuit, with “Defendant Hughes also owed plaintiff and others on the ATO deck a duty of care not to drink under age, or to fire bottle rockets out of his anus.”
The most important part of this lawsuit (aside from the details about fireworks and body parts) is that Helmburg is claiming his injuries were suffered mostly as a result of HIM falling off the deck at the ATO house and into a spot between the air conditioner and the deck. The fireworks were going to be shot out of another drunk frat boy’s anus (Travis Hughes), but, surprisingly failed to launch as expected and the ensuing explosion surprised Helmburg who stumbled off the deck falling three to four feet. The deck, of course, lacked the proper railing system for drunken parties/fireworks out-a-body cavity festivities.
Helmburg’s lawsuit seeks damages for pain and suffering, loss of time from the baseball team, as well as lost earning capacity and medical expenses.
And so you don’t think Mr. Hughes is the only one dumb enough to pull this stunt, we did a quick search of YouTube for “bottle rocket and anus” and found 126 results. Below is one example of why America’s young men are the dumbest bastards on the planet.