LSU Suspends Three Football Players After Real Positive Test for Fake Marijuana

If you get caught smoking weed, you’ll get kicked off the football team, right? So what should you do, not smoke week? Of course not! Instead, find a synthetic alternative that has lots of chemicals in it (commonly known as cannabinoids) that give you a marijuana-like high, without the actually taking the risk of buying and smoking the illegal weed. Probably solved you half-baked morons.

Only this fake marijuana is actually more dangerous than the real thing (read this real fast like a TV commercial: side effects may include convulsions, anxiety attacks, dangerously elevated heart rates, increased blood pressure, vomiting and disorientation) and at least one young college athlete has died as a result of taking it. So, the NCAA added synthetic cannabinoids to its banned class of street drugs in August and some schools have been testing for it . . . like LSU, which just found out that three players (including two starters) tested positive and will miss at least Saturday’s game against Auburn.

Missing the game and likely getting drunk at home this weekend will be cornerbacks Tyrann Mathieu and Tharold Simon and tailback Spencer Ware.