Tiger Woods Dating 7-Year-Old?

Alyse Lahti JohnstonYes, advice that’s what I thought when I read a story yesterday when the news first broke and I said out loud, “He really has struck rock bottom.” So, of course, I started writing a post raking arguably the World’s Greatest Golfer over the coals for getting it on with a REALLY underage girl, when I actually started reading the article about his new girlfriend. First off, in her picture (which is usually all I need to see to understand a story) Alyse Lahti Johnston didn’t look seven. Not even in that “Toddlers and Tiaras” kind of way. Then again, Johnston didn’t look 35 either, so I actually had to READ part of the article. Damn!

Turns out, Tiger has only known Johnston SINCE she was seven, as her father is an executive at IMG which happens to be the sports agency that represents Woods. And she lives in the neighborhood, so he doesn’t have to drive his SUV very far to see her, reducing the chances of him passing out and hitting a tree.

Johnston is 22, which by Guy Code Dating Standards, makes her JUST old enough not to be creep his friends out. (GCDS dictates she be no younger than half his age, plus five: so 35 divided by 2 is 16.5, plus 5 is 21.5. That was close Tiger!)  On the other hand, for a guy trying to repair his reputation for being a World Class Horn Dog, going WAY young, and WAY blonde with your first choice of a dating partner post-divorce does not send the best message to your fans.

On the plus side, the kids might think she’s mommy, Elin Nordegren, and that could be less confused during visitation weekends. Good thinking Tiger!

Alyse Lahti Johnston mug shotThen, just as I thought I had wrapped my mind around this whole story, there was a picture in the story of Johnston’s mom who was arrested for drunk driving last year. Oh wait, that’s not her mom, that’s Alyse, the 22-year-old, in what can only be described as a less-than-flattering mug shot (right) . . . and some kind of cold sore looking thing by her mouth. Does Tiger know about that thing? Was Tiger somehow responsible for that?

Okay, okay, too much time, too many question and not enough answers. So, to recap: Tiger NOT dating a 7-year-old, but is dating someone way too young, who got arrested for DUI (pleaded down to a lesser charge of “Being Too Pretty to Go to Jail”) and in some pictures looks like a Playboy model and in others, uh, not so much. Maybe that’s the attraction for Mr. Woods: he can date one woman who looks like too different chicks, depending on the amount of booze she drinks and the lighting.

So, another good choice for Tiger Woods, America?

Editor’s Note: This story apparently first broke on a site called TerezOwens.com, which looks like a sports-knock off of the infamous PerezHilton.com. Even so, they look to have some great sports gossip, if you’re into that sort of thing. We suggest you check them out for yourself.