UPDATE: Our MMA fighter has been identified at his arraignment as Matthew James Williams, see III, sales 28. We also have a classic T-shirt in his mug shot which reads “Let It Be.” The Beatles would be so proud.
EARLIER: There is so much fail in this story, it’s had to believe that it really happened to one guy, in one night. But it did, just down the road from the BadJocks Bunker, in near Jackson, Michigan.
Let’s see if we can list the fails in order:
1. Drunk dude gets into fight with pregnant girlfriend and slams her head on the floor several times. She escapes by crawling out a window AFTER she bashes him in the face hard enough to get him off of her. 0-1
2. He calls the cops, despite the fact that the girlfriend has noticeable scratches on her arms. 0-2
3. Michigan State Troopers show up, only to find our hero has already used Super Glue to close a wound in his forehead. 0-3
4. Troppers interview the guy who tells them he’s a mixed martial arts fighter, then “squares off” of with them with fists in place after they inform him he’s under arrest. Yeah, that’s a good tactic when your opponent is armed with pepper spray, tasers, and well, guns. 0-4
5. After being threatened with tasering, the fighter allows himself to be handcuffed, but doesn’t go quietly, kicking and fighting with the cops. 0-5
6. Officers have to use pepper spray, but that only angers him. 1-5
6. In order to get him into a police car that doesn’t have a protective cage, the cops inprovise some kind of “winch” with a rope and haul him hogtied into the back of the car. 1-6
Well, he lost this round, but probably earned himself his own reality show.
Here’s the full report from MLive, in case you think we’re making this one up. (Even we think we’re making this one up and we found the story.)
Police were called to the 3000 block of Village Lane in Norvell Township Saturday night by a 28-year-old man who said his girlfriend assaulted him, said Michigan State Police Jackson Post Trooper Derrick White.
Troopers located his girlfriend at a neighbor’s house, where she said she fled to through a window after her boyfriend allegedly pinned her down and slammed her head into the floor several times. She told officers he threatened to kill her, White said. She said she managed to escape his attacks by hitting him on the face.
White said when officers arrived to interview the “extremely intoxicated” man, he had already used super glue to treat a cut on his forehead he said he sustained from his girlfriend. White said he wasn’t sure why the man, rather than his pregnant girlfriend, who sustained scratches to her arms, neck and face and bumps on the back of her head called police. He said he suspected the man wanted to tell police his side of the story first.
After identifying himself as a mixed-martial arts fighter, the man said he and his girlfriend were arguing about his ex-girlfriend when the dispute turned physical, White said. Once interviews were taken and witnesses said the man was the attacker, troopers attempted to arrest him for assault, White said. At that moment, the man “squared off” with police and balled his fists in anticipation of a fight.
Troopers took out a Taser and told the man they would use it on him if he resisted arrest, White said. They then ordered the man to get on the ground so they could put handcuffs on him. The man complied, but once the handcuffs were on, White said he aggressively fought police, and at once point, wrapped his legs around the stair-case banister to resist being taken into custody.
Troopers were able to remove the man from the house by using pressure points on his neck and face, said White. Troopers also used defense mace spray on the man, which only appeared to anger him, said White.
Once out of the house, the man continued to kick at police and threatened their families. Troopers called in more officers for assistance. White said the man refused to stop kicking, so troopers fashioned a winch out of a rope and wrapped it around the man’s ankles.